I got a cold. This is that cold…
I don’t get sick often…but when I do it usually goes cold – bronchitis – pneumonia. It rather quickly went from a dainty sneeze to me sounding like a stray dog trying to hack up road kill.
I decided to pay a visit to old Doc Sully to see if I could stave off the inevitable. The inevitable being my lovely wife saying “You see? I told you to go to the doctor”.
This cold was different than any cold I’ve ever experienced. Along with the usual sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffyhead, fever…it also included flatulence. We’re talking gas that would make a Junior High boy proud, supersonic farts that would make a pastor’s wife faint two aisles over in the market, the kind so loud and long that if you go outside to relieve yourself the neighbors start a petition. When I explained this variant of rhinopharyngitis the ol’ doc tossed me an inhaler and shouted “Call if there’s any change” as he shot out the door.
This isn’t my style but funny anyway…
I’ve never been a fan of the “suffering on the couch” school of cold therapy. Not that I don’t like lazing about with the TV on but…well, actually I don’t . The main problem is within the 464 channels thoughtfully provided by FIOS there is absolutely nothing to watch on TV. I stopped for a moment on something called “Swamp People” assuming it was an old 1950’s horror movie. I was wrong.
In the grand tradition of Duck Dynasty, Honey Boo Boo and Hee-Haw this show is basically about teams of unshaven, barrel-chested drunks shooting crocodiles…and that was the women’s team. This is the antitheses of “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom”…
“Lookie there Harley – we’s gots us a biggin’!”
Is there any wonder the South hates most of the rest of the country?
So I retired to the basement to peruse the internet.
Remember when USA Today newspaper came out and all the “real” newspapers scoffed and said “That thing is written at a 4th grade level…no one wants to read that”. Well, it’s the only paper I’ve had pushed under the door in hotels in the last few years. Sadly the front page of internet sites (I’m looking at you MSN and Yahoo) have declined even further.
It’s as though the editors took a cue from the magazine rack in a old liquor store.
Sports, Celebs, Tits.
I quickly learned that –
- Chinese people are buying more tiny, overpriced New York apartments than Russians.
- Someone named D’Antoni will return as the Lakers coach – what happened to Pat Riley?
- There are 7 cars good at avoiding crashes – I always thought it was drivers that were good at avoiding crashes…oh yeah they can’t be bothered while texting, talking and sucking down a Starbucks.
- Evidently Mariah Carey had two children and named them Roc and Roe – I’m thinking she needs two more to name them Hoochie and Koo.
- You can turn your shed into a retreat for fun & more – great, now where are you gonna put the wheelbarrow and rakes?
- And finally, 10 ways being frugal can actually cost you money – a typical article that blames over spending on those evil marketing schemes.
Seeing as I’m writing this at 5:15 in the morning you can all skip the home page and go directly to Angry Birds.
By the way – the Gas-X worked wonders…